Why Rachel is leaving her church:

Teri did hit on something, so lest you think I'm just an overly critical flake, here are my list of reasons why I feel that I do not wish to stay at the church I'm currently attending.

1. Preaching that seems to go nowhere and say nothing.

2.Bible study that doesn't really study the Bible, but meets once a week to discuss everyone's rather hazy views on why they appreciate their faith, without any reference to Christ

3. Sunday school that is an interesting lecture series on icons, prayer mazes, and such, but something I could read about on my own.

4. Lack of Biblical foundation manifested throughout the church laiety -- to the point that most of the congregation cannot tell with any accuracy where to find any given book of the bible.

5. The Rector.

6. A general sense on my part that there should be more to church than church stuff. The focus on church should be to meet, and worship, and learn something that can be applied to daily life. Litergy is wonderful, community service is great, even socializing with other Christians are all good things, but it shoudln't be the only reason to be there. We don't go to church to feel better about ourselves for having done our good thing for the week, and then walk out without having been challenged to grow, to mature, to grow closer to God, to repent of the things in our life that are keeping us away from him, to become connected to God so that in turn we may minister to others. But to try think that you can do all of that church "stuff" without the basic foundation of a personal relationship with Christ is a serious waste of time and energy -- in fact it seems worse than nothing at all. It seems to me that a person is much better off doing no church stuff than calmly sitting year after year in a place where you're getting fed watered down pseudo-Christian mixed with the latest pop-psychology and motivational speaches where you'll never have the chance to even hear TRUTH, and never know the difference. After four years of it, I'm starving spiritually. I've loved the liturgy. I've loved the music. But I need someone to teach me something that I can't get out of a book, or by reading a commentary. Don't think I haven't tried to glean nutrition out of what St. Albans has to offer. I'm going to sunday school, to the rectors bible study, and to sunday every week on top of helping out with youth group (which is actually run by a Baptist, so we do get meat and potatoes there). But I'm still frustrated. I thought it was just me not trying hard enough to take advantage of opportunities that were being presented, or being so critical that I coudln't possibly get anything out of it. But then I went to another church for a sunday. And there it was -- truth, a good sermon, an application to daily life, a congregation seeking to do God's will, and that went out of its way to welcome a stranger. And It felt like coming home.

So it's not just me. And I'm not the only person on that church that feels the same way about it It's not a decision I've come to lightly, and I don't think anyone should leave a church "just 'cause." So there you have it...in an endlessly long tirade! Now I'm going to go practice....

Alright. So today was just one of those days. I've started announcing to various factions that I'll be leaving St. Albans after the Easter services. This is getting hard. How do you leave a church? And how do you do that without criticizing the church, pastor, elders, etc?

I passed my recital hearing! I'm going out to get sloshed. Well, not sloshed perse, but I'm definately going to have a drink. Maybe even two if I get really excited. Maybe I need to rethink joining a baptist church. I can imagine they woudln't be thrilled. And Dr. Williamson didn't like my suit. Well, not the suit exactly -- just the fact that I wore pants to a hearing. I forgot that she woudln't like that. I did wear closed toe shoes just to make sure I was kosher. Oh well. You can't win them all and she still passed me...I'm all set for my ever-looming recital!

Found out today that Matt was coming over to pick up some meds from Adrian. He was bringing along Stacey who has never seen my house. My house, until about three hours ago looked like a minor tornado had gone through all of it (mainly because Adrian and I had torn through my wardrobe looking for somehting to wear for my audition). It was still all over the floor. And lets not mention the kitchen -- except to say that the putrid smell I've been blaming on the kitty litter box in my bathroom, was actually week-old curdled custard-gone-wrong from last saturday when I got inspired to cook during spring break. Not yesterday, mind you, but a week before that. Yes. Buried under a week long pile of dishes that somehow never made it to my dishwasher. And by thursday when I was too stressed to clean I just started lighting candles in the kitchen to mask the stench, and keeping my house colder than normal. To my future husband should he happen to stumble across this -- I am not a good housekeeper. Please prepare your kitchen cleaning skills, because I have none. But my house now looks fantastic. I cleaned vicariously for an hour, only to have them stick their heads in the door, glance around and go "nice!" Then they left. But at least my apartment is clean. Yes. Nice for the relaxing.

I still have 4 songs to memorize by 12:30 tuesday. I was supposed to do it today. I've hit, however, a mental roadblock and can't force any more foreign words into my brain. Nope. Just not working. Certainly by tomorrow though!

I think I'm going to stop going to my church. I'm ready for something new. Maybe after the easter rush is over....

My audition is over! YAY! One less thing to do....now all my stresses of the semester will be over in just three days....or at least the currently looming ones. I walked onstage after hearing the two people before me. One was very good, the other was not. I'm not including names because I've learned the hard way that people can find themselves if you write about them on the internet. I wore a very cute two piece dress-suit (dress with long jacket over the top) and a scarf. I dashed and got a haircut....and it was a great idea because they all liked my haircut -- maybe even more than my singing. Who knows. But on professor kept mentioning it..."Nice haircut! Very nice!" I was nervous about the Quia Respexit by Bach. I wasn't worried that I'd mess up noticeably, I just really has some good lessons this semester and was desperate to apply them to this audition. I think I did. I noticed at least one professor nodding his head. They let me sing another two pieces after that. Dr. Van Cura even called me to say it went well. I'm very happy. Now I'm going to go memorize my last three pieces for my recital hearing on tuesday...

My audition is in 4 hours. In two hours I'm going to go get the "profession graduate student" haircut. I hope it looks good. I sure as heck can't do normal hair -- only my updos and stage hair. We'll see how it goes...wish me...not luck, that's no good for a performer....toi toi, in boca al lupo, break a leg, lots of spitting. And ditto for Matt who's heading to the Met finals on Monday.....

My audition for grad school is tomorrow. I'm not nervous yet, but I will be terribly so when I wake up tomorrow. 3:00 everyone throw a prayer (hopefully) or at least a happy thought my direction...

I have a new accompanist for my recital. Mine still didn't know my music, so I decided that I'm enough of a wreck myself without adding the pain of worrying whether my accompanist is ever going to get it. We parted company on good terms though. She's coming to my recital, and I'm going to hers. My new accompanist is charging reasonably atrocious rates for picking him up 5 days from my recital. I like working with him much better.

I'm going to a movie tonight. To get my mind off of all the upcoming. I've memorized my two songs for the day...so I can rest in piece. Tomorrow I'll get up, get a new hair cut, decide what to wear for the auditions, scream a little (that's warming up for the non-singing people) and then go. Turns out I'm singing in Jones Concert Hall (the big one) and not Meadows (a lecture hall really) like I'd thought. I've got to remember that my voice will carry better if I don't try to make it sound big...again, happy thoughts would be appreciated.

I'm bidding on my recital jewelry online, and some horrible lady has outbid me. I'm going to a movie and don't have time to watch it...maybe my parents would obblige me!

"And live from Baghdad we have Jim. Now Jim was ...er....actually asleep during the whole bombing thing that happened early this morning. This is all part of Bush's lesser known wow and dazzle campaign, which began just before daybreak. Now Jim, tell us what you saw. " "Well, actually, as you said Brink, I was asleep this morning as Bush's Wow and Dazzle campaign got underway, but I did have a rather nasty dream as a result." "Really, Jim, what can you tell us about that dream?" "Well, it was about tigers really, chasing after a lawn tractor." "And what do you think it means in regards to Operation Enduring Freedom?" "Well, Brink, I think if we analyze the tigers....."

Does anyone else think that if newscasters have nothing new to report, they should just save us the time and say " we'll be back when we have something new to tell you.." instead of rehashing the same three sentences over....and over.....and over......