Friday, December 13, 2002

The Worst Movie Ever

I just went to see Star Trek: Nemesis. Wow. Let me say that I am somewhat of a Star Trek fan. I don't do conventions, I don't have technical readouts scattered about my apartment. But I am relatively versed on the time line (next gen at least), and I do enjoy the occasional debate about alternate timelines/multiple universes. Having said that -- this movie blew. It was horrible. I'm now going to ruin it for you.....

We open the movie with a "best man" speech that even Patrick Stewart can't make sound well written. Then Data breaks into a chorus of "blue skies" and Worf-with-a-hangover growls "Irving Berlin." Right. Then we get positronic signals from an uncharted planet. Picard grabs Data and Worf to go try out the new ship -- which turns out to be a ....ready for it...DUNE BUGGY! Oh yes. There's all that spiffy technology for you. Rubber tires. No windshield. And a cleverly fixed Star Wars-esque rotating machine gun on the back...which is a good thing too, the star wars part that is.....because they are found by SAND PEOPLE!!!! So now we know that the uncharted and nearly uninhabited planet in the middle of nowhere (if there's a bright center tot he universe it's the spot furthest from) is Tantooine. And the Jawas help load them into their own dune buggies. Aha. So we rescue the Data-in-pieces (no it isn't Lore) and get the heck away from a long time ago in a galaxy far far away.

Now we're back on the ship. We've been called to Romulus to witness our 35th government takeover since the series began. Suddenly a ship uncloaks in front of us. It's big. It's mean. And its loaded with ...... orcs. Apparently Sauroman the Wise had been busy this week. Funny, I don't recall Romulans getting rings. But apparently the elves took a little detour to another quadrant of the galaxy after leaving middle earth.

So we meet the real bad guy. A very bald twenty year old with a complex. Turns out he's a clone of Picard. To prove it he cuts himself with a big stinking knife and hands the blood stained knife to Data. On the ship Crusher takes an EYEDROPPER and sqeezes the blood into a PETRI DISH. Wow -- my guess is that they used all of the money for this film in the spectacular dune-buggy chase sequence. Or perhaps in stealing other movies' props....because Picard and Data get captured by the bad guy (who by the way watched a little TOO MUCH princess bride beforehand "Oh, and WHAT AM I!!!!?")....and escape using the cute little black ship from Independence Day. As they burst their way through a labrynth of hallways, I kept waiting for a "must go faster...must go faster."

So we've reached the crisis. The Enterprise is crippled. No other ships can help them. Picard decides that he must see his double face to face. So he beams over, and after killing off a few orcs, beats the crap out of his dying nemesis. Complex boy makes one last ditch attempt to stab Picard with a knife -- when Picard pulls something from wall, and the poor boy's momentum impales him.....(wait for it)....the boy looks down at the shard of metal sticking out of his chest -- looks defiantly at picard, and taking a hint from the Uruk hai (so if you cross orcs with what -- Klingons?) -- pulls the shard further in, killing himself. Wow -- somehow it isn't as cool without the face paint, the dreds, and the growling.

Meanhile, the crew is still in ultimate danger of the weapon-o-mass-destruction that the ship carries...the transporters are down....the ship is what do we see coming to the rescue? Its...a bird! It's a plane! No -- it's SUPER DATA! (This was the coolest part of the movie. seriously) He hurls himself through a hull breech using his momentum to get him to the other ship. Great in theory right? But we somehow ignore the fact that the same momentum that will carry him to the other ship, also would cause him to do somersaults through space on his way over..thus negating the superman flying routine.

I won't spoil the ending completely....but isn't it amazing that, somehow, in a plot twist before Data sends himself into a life or death situation.....Him and Picard on an exploding vessel and there's ONLY ONE PARACHUTE (ahem...emergency transporter).....and just prior to that he's downloaded his entire memory into the newly discovered positronic B-4 (prototype date)....hmmmm sounds to me like the writers were keeping their behind covered in case, for some goodness knows what reason, they decide to make another movie after this one.

So that's the story. Have a missed anything? Oh and for those that do go see it...the cheerful tune that data sings in the holodeck that they all smile over but can't remember what it was....Pop goes the weasel.