Something to ponder this week. Why is it that we know that God is in control, and knows all, and sees all, and heck, created all, and yet we still allow ourselves to get dragged down in fear. Personal confession time. I had a huge faith crisis upon coming to Baylor. Here I was at a Christian University, and all of a sudden I was put into a position where I was surrounded by people who lived lives that were totally foreign, yet they still professed to believe the same things I did. Then I went through a relatively traumatizing relationship (dated a gay man...sort of, its a long story), at which point I decided that my beliefs were going to cost me my friends...so I stopped standing up for them. I didn't want to be the little ignorant naive girl, so I covered up my beliefs. I joined in on conversations that I shouldn't have, began joking around about things I had no business joking about (laughing about somehting somehow makes it acceptable), hoping that somehow if I became worldly enough, I wouldn't ever have to go through another relationship like the one I'd just been through. Thankfully, God was looking out for me. He brought me back to church--involved,not just present, surrounded me with amazing Christian mentors and friends, and is slowly putting my priorities back where they should be. But I still have to live with the consequences of my decision to act like I was "cool" with it all. In my mind all relationships and motives became sullied. Even God couldn't possibly change anyone. And so I was afraid. Afraid of being rediculed for my beliefs, and conversely afraid that I woudln't live up to them. And I believed in God, but doubted that he could really do anything to fix the mess. And worse, maybe everyone else is right...or at least right in the sense that this is all there is, so we may as well enjoy it. So life has been bleak. And then tonight, we were discussing hope. And I've had none. I knew what I believed, but I'd sold out more often than I care to remember. Not in big ways -- more by what I didn't say than what I did...laughing at bad jokes, and not standing up for the truth when people were discussing their views of god (with a small g), but saying nothing when you know you should is the same as denying that you know Him. So I was despairing, because I've been feeling like I knew the truth, but couldn't grasp it in my own life. My beliefs are based on doctrine, but not a relationship -- and doctrine without relationship is a hopelessly bleak prospect. But we were discussing hope, and read the passage in Titus where Paul is speaking of "a faith and knowledge resting on the hope of eternal life which God, who does not lie, promised before the beginning of time." (Titus 1:2) That phrase, "who does not lie" struck me. His words are true. There is no other view of the world...because he created it. He knows everything, and sees everything and he does not lie. What he tells us is true, and if he promises that we won't be given more than we can bear without being shown a way out, then He means it. If He promises he will be with us, and that he is THE TRUTH, then He is. And if we can believe that, then there isn't any room for fear of being wrong, or overcome anymore. And so, I guess this elementary rambling is old hash twice warmed...but it brings together lots of loose ends I've been fritzing over. Now if I can take the theoretical and apply it.......

The opera is over. Thank goodness. That means I'll have a whole evening free this week -- monday! Yay! Tomorrow night I'm going to veg out, get out my cross stitch, and finish yet one more project so I can start a new one! I have to do something quickly because silk floral stems are on Sale at Michaels this week -- and I have two lampshades that are begging for flowers. And I have another verse to turn into a pillow...and walls to paint -- that alone is a big enough project for a weekend or two. I'm thinking about moss green....or perhaps a nice sage (for the color challenged, moss has slightly more yellow in it, but they're both pale). And on top of that there's so much bread to bake, so little time! I'm going to have some free time again!!!! I'm so excited! I've got it all spent up already...

I saw My Big Fat Greek Wedding this evening. Very funny. I highly recommend it to everyone (although, in the past tense, since I'm the last of my set to see it). The opera went well tonight, at least from a costuming angle. The man who hired me is trying to back out of paying me...weasil. Last year I got $500 flat, and that was with an additional $100 split between my four costume crew members. This year I have no crew, was still making $500. Now he wants to pay me by the hour. Fine. I've worked....um...50 hours. At 10 dollars an hour. Pretty good estimate, don't you think? Plus all the gas I bought going back and forth between rehearsals. And the $400 I've spent out of pocket buying things for this show. Not too shabby. I should get an extra hundred dollars for doing everything myself...but I think that might be pushing my luck. We'll see. Oh, and the official word -- I'm not auditioning for the opera.

Still tired. That's going to become the theme this year. I don't think I'm going to audition for the mainstage opera this year. (Don't quote me though -- as auditions get closer, my competative streak my burst out and kill random passersby) For one thing, my parents can only come to one performance this year -- my senior recital (The week of april 7th -- mark your collective calenders), so they woudln't even get to see it. For another thing, the only role I could get is a bit part that is only on 2 scenes or so. That's a lot of time for 2 scenes(I'd have to be here most of Christmas break). For a third thing, I'm in Little Red Riding Hood in November, Opera Scenes in December, and a heavy load of academic classes. Do I really need to have less freetime than I do now? Added to that, working all summer prevented any sort of R&R. I'm burned out already in the 3rd week of school. Not a good sign. Anyway, feedback would be welcome from anyone who cares to give it. Maybe I should start a poll. And on top of that, my devotional life is finally starting to become a regular part of my life -- not hit and miss as formerly. When I'm that exhausted, thats the first thing that falls by the wayside (and the very last that should). We'll see in a couple of weeks....

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I'm tired. Really tired. La Boheme came way sooner than I was expecting...and the rest of the semester does not appear to be slowing down any. I'm costume coordinator. That really means that I don't make the costumes, I just run around trying to keep the chorus IN them(why do they always feel like they don't really need to put anything on until 5 seconds before they walk onstage. It drives us CRAZY), and keep the real costumer happy. Which is hard to do. This man is very knowledgable, and very nice, but he could talk the hind leg off a donkey. And since somehow they're under the impression that I'M the one making the decisions around here, they have no qualms about complaining about them in front of him. He takes that very badly -- so I get to run around trying to field all questions and concerns before they get to him. For example. CHORUSTER: This hat doesn't fit. I think they got the names mixed up, so... HIM: Every hat has a name. Go in there and find the one with yours in it. CHORUSTER: But you see, this is my name, but... HIM: Well I get everything off a list, so if yours doesn't fit it's not my problem... CHORUSTER: Never mind. Forget it. (at this point he leaves the room, so it's my turn) ME: What's the problem? HIM: They gave me the drum major hat. I'm not the drum major. ME: Well here, trade hats WITH the drum major, and then everything's fine. So, see, another catastrophe averted. Unfortunatly, I'm left with almost no ability to speak in coherent sentences after doing that all evening. After tomorrow night's dress rehearsal, I should be a be a blithering idiot. Wish me well...

Things that stink about living alone: 1) coming home to an empty apartment after dark. 2) Endless meals for one. 3) No one to say goodnight to.

Things that are great about living alone. 1)Knowing exactly where all the food is going. 2)No roommate to wake you up at all hours. 3)Decorating however you want. 4) Being able to pay all bills ahead of time. 5) Your clothes are only worn by you.

I thought I was losing my mind today. I have this pair of hot pink beaded flip-flops that I've been putting in my car recently. I love wearing rediculous shoes to school, but got tired of killing myself trying to walk across campus in them. Hence the flip-flops. Last night I thought I remembered leaving them deliberatly in my car so they'd be there in the morning. This morning I was digging through my closet looking for a good pair of scuffy shoes to wear with my ratty jeans, and underneath my vacuum cleaner I came across a pair of hot pink beaded flip-flops. ??? So, naturally I assumed that I'd forgotten bringing them into the house. So I walked out to my car, got in, and sat down next to a pair of hot pink flip-flops..identical to the pair I had on my feet. So I wracked my brain trying to decide who most likely wants me in the nuthouse (I knew some sopranos had their knives out over auditions, but I had planned for a direct assalt). Then I called my sister. Turns out mother had bought her a pair of identical flip-flops to wear as dorm shower shoes. Somehow they ended up with my stuff when I came back to Texas. But really now, what's the chance that my mother and I would buy identical shoes from halfway across the country? (Twilight zone music)

I just saw Signs this evening. Right now I'm rummaging about my apartment looking for pieces of scrap lumber to nail over my doors and windows. Not that it will help apparently. I'd considered a guard dog -- but they didn't seem to do much in the movie. Why oh why don't I learn. Never go to scary movies when one has to go home to an empty house. I had a scary moment when I walked in, flipped the switch and my lights didn't come on. (And another as I was writing the last sentence because someone across way slammed their door with a loud crashing sound. Followed immediatly by my air conditioning coming on -- with air filtering through the vents. I want my daddy). That's ok. Since Aaron recommended it...he can just deal with it when I call him at 3am. So there. Very good movie by the way. I highly recommend it for the main plot line. Awesome ending! Just, don't watch it alone. And then spend the night at someone else's house afterwards. Goodnight! I'm going to go find a large kitchen knife....