Something to ponder this week. Why is it that we know that God is in control, and knows all, and sees all, and heck, created all, and yet we still allow ourselves to get dragged down in fear. Personal confession time. I had a huge faith crisis upon coming to Baylor. Here I was at a Christian University, and all of a sudden I was put into a position where I was surrounded by people who lived lives that were totally foreign, yet they still professed to believe the same things I did. Then I went through a relatively traumatizing relationship (dated a gay man...sort of, its a long story), at which point I decided that my beliefs were going to cost me my friends...so I stopped standing up for them. I didn't want to be the little ignorant naive girl, so I covered up my beliefs. I joined in on conversations that I shouldn't have, began joking around about things I had no business joking about (laughing about somehting somehow makes it acceptable), hoping that somehow if I became worldly enough, I wouldn't ever have to go through another relationship like the one I'd just been through. Thankfully, God was looking out for me. He brought me back to church--involved,not just present, surrounded me with amazing Christian mentors and friends, and is slowly putting my priorities back where they should be. But I still have to live with the consequences of my decision to act like I was "cool" with it all. In my mind all relationships and motives became sullied. Even God couldn't possibly change anyone. And so I was afraid. Afraid of being rediculed for my beliefs, and conversely afraid that I woudln't live up to them. And I believed in God, but doubted that he could really do anything to fix the mess. And worse, maybe everyone else is right...or at least right in the sense that this is all there is, so we may as well enjoy it. So life has been bleak. And then tonight, we were discussing hope. And I've had none. I knew what I believed, but I'd sold out more often than I care to remember. Not in big ways -- more by what I didn't say than what I did...laughing at bad jokes, and not standing up for the truth when people were discussing their views of god (with a small g), but saying nothing when you know you should is the same as denying that you know Him. So I was despairing, because I've been feeling like I knew the truth, but couldn't grasp it in my own life. My beliefs are based on doctrine, but not a relationship -- and doctrine without relationship is a hopelessly bleak prospect. But we were discussing hope, and read the passage in Titus where Paul is speaking of "a faith and knowledge resting on the hope of eternal life which God, who does not lie, promised before the beginning of time." (Titus 1:2) That phrase, "who does not lie" struck me. His words are true. There is no other view of the world...because he created it. He knows everything, and sees everything and he does not lie. What he tells us is true, and if he promises that we won't be given more than we can bear without being shown a way out, then He means it. If He promises he will be with us, and that he is THE TRUTH, then He is. And if we can believe that, then there isn't any room for fear of being wrong, or overcome anymore. And so, I guess this elementary rambling is old hash twice warmed...but it brings together lots of loose ends I've been fritzing over. Now if I can take the theoretical and apply it.......

The opera is over. Thank goodness. That means I'll have a whole evening free this week -- monday! Yay! Tomorrow night I'm going to veg out, get out my cross stitch, and finish yet one more project so I can start a new one! I have to do something quickly because silk floral stems are on Sale at Michaels this week -- and I have two lampshades that are begging for flowers. And I have another verse to turn into a pillow...and walls to paint -- that alone is a big enough project for a weekend or two. I'm thinking about moss green....or perhaps a nice sage (for the color challenged, moss has slightly more yellow in it, but they're both pale). And on top of that there's so much bread to bake, so little time! I'm going to have some free time again!!!! I'm so excited! I've got it all spent up already...